Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist writes, “the reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” Elisabeth summarizes how we have been experiencing grief over the past year. We have learned so much about ourselves and are still learning how to navigate grief. With this blog, we wanted to share some lessons on grief that we have learned.
1. Grief is unpredictable
In life, we typically do not plan for grief and we certainly do not ask for it either. When grief tends to hit us, it usually happens when we least expect it. When we learned that we were going to lose our sons, it had felt as though someone had knocked the wind out of us.
As we’ve continued along on our grief journey, weeks would go by where we would be fine. Then all of a sudden, we are filled with sadness.
Seeing that grief is so unpredictable, we have had to learn to be okay with adjusting our plans. This may look like putting our plans to the side and taking the day as it comes.
2. Grief differs between men and women
With grief, there is no “one size fits all.” That certainly is the case between men and women. While men might experience grief in ways similar to women, men do not deal with the trauma of knowing that the child you carried and worked hard to protect is gone. Men do not deal with the mental and emotional stress of believing that their bodies have failed them and that it is their fault. Having said that, grief from both men and women should always be validated despite their differences.
3. Grief is traumatic
In our situation, I had to give birth to two boys who were not alive when they were born. Not only do we grieve their loss, knowing that they were alive and well before the actual miscarriage was very traumatic. Seeing your loved one die in front of you adds another element of trauma to your grief. And sometimes the word itself “trauma” can be left out of the equation. But it should be regarded because it can impact us in different ways.
4. Grief can be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting
Lesson 3 noted that grief is traumatic. Trauma and grief together can be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. There have been days where I feel physically fatigued. Our counselor explained to us that often the body will remember past traumatic events before our mind does. Trauma is real and can even impact us indirectly. Grief not only impacts our emotions but can take its toll on us both physically and mentally. It is important to discern when you are feeling depressed or are beginning to suffer from any mental disorder as a result of your loss. We encourage others as we did to seek therapy and counseling to help with processing those emotions. We needed not to isolate ourselves during this journey because we knew what the power of grief can have on our mental health.
5. Grief can be lonely
In the beginning, the phone calls and text messages were quite frequent. But unfortunately, the further time passes from when your loss first took place, the less frequent the communication from others. It can be a lonely feeling knowing you are still grieving but your friends and family have moved on. It can feel isolating and can make you feel that you should be further along in your grief process. However, we are learning that it is okay to still grieve months and even years after your loss.
6. Grief can be hard to understand
We live in a world that does not like to talk about suffering or grief let alone sit in it for a while. We also live in a society where moving on is more acceptable than wallowing in your sorrow for too long. We have friends and family who have not experienced pregnancy or child loss but have experienced losing a loved one. So the insinuation can be that it isn’t healthy to sit in your grief for too long and you should indeed move on. This is not wise advice. We have learned not to feel guilty for being sad one week and happy another week. The people around you may not understand the seesaw of emotions because they are not you. They did not experience the loss or the connection that you had with that baby, child, parent, cousin, friend, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, or grandparent.
7. Grief changes you
Rodney and I are not the same individuals we were before losing our sons Nehemiah and Elijah. We have changed and will be forever changed by their losses. I used to wonder how long would I feel this heartache because I was not used to feeling so broken. I didn’t like the feeling of being all over the place. At times I would cry uncontrollably in one moment and then I’ll be fine the next moment. I could not bottle my emotions. I had to release the tears. It didn’t matter if others felt like we should be further along in our grief journey.
If you’ve read this blog, we sincerely hope that you were encouraged, enlightened, and made aware that if you’re grieving, you are not alone. There are many that share your experience. We validate your grief journey.
