In our previous blog, Pregnancy After Loss: Our Story we share how we processed deciding to try for another pregnancy and how cautiously optimistic we were after finding out we were expecting again. As our story unfolded, we just so happened to be pregnant in the middle of a worldwide pandemic which added another layer of concern. At this point, many states and cities are starting to place curfews and stay-at-home orders. This didn’t bode well for us because our families were not in close proximity to us and the thought of sharing the news with our friends that we may be experiencing yet another loss was heartbreaking. When you experience a recurring loss, it isn’t just you who suffers. It’s your family and friends who have grieved alongside you who are also heartbroken.
From the OBGYN office, we made our way to the hospital and checked in. Sadly, we knew this feeling all too well of walking into the women’s hospital and seeing other women be wheeled out holding their new babies all the while being gripped with the real possibility that we would be leaving this hospital without our own baby once again. The thought of that was devastating. We didn’t even want to consider the likelihood of that happening. Rodney continued to be a source of encouragement and displayed the hope that I no longer had the energy to believe. All I could focus on was what will take place next and whether or not this emergency cerclage surgery would work in our favor.
After the hospital staff got us settled in our room, we waited for the doctor to arrive. Several minutes later, we were met by the doctor. He told us that they will attempt the cerclage surgery. But the possibility of success will be a longshot because of the extensiveness of the opening of my cervix. His exact words were, “like throwing a hail Mary.” The term “Hail Mary” is indicative of a last-ditch effort with little possibility of success.
Before they’d be able to perform the surgery, they wanted us to wait through the night to ensure that my cervix didn’t open any further. This would now become one of the longest nights that we ever had to endure simply because we got little to no sleep thinking about whether or not we would get to keep our baby. During our first pregnancy, we decided to find out the sex of the baby at 14 weeks, but for this pregnancy, we elected to wait until we reached the 20-week milestone. But unfortunately, that milestone now felt more and more unattainable as we waited all night for the morning update.
The morning came and I knew that I would be going into surgery to see if the emergency cerclage was possible. To be honest, I felt helpless and hopeless at that moment. I was completely guarded given our previous loss. It was a struggle to believe a miracle was possible. Later that morning, the surgical team prepped me for surgery. As they began the process, the doctor could see that there was no way they could stitch my cervix because at this point I was 3 cm dilated. I was numb at that moment and my concern switched to how Rodney was going to take it when the doctors would inform him that the procedure was unsuccessful.
The doctors wheeled me back to the recovery area shortly after Rodney arrived. I could tell in his body language he was just as dejected as I was and felt devastated that we were going to have to walk this journey of losing another baby yet again. At this point, it now became a waiting game because we knew that I would have to deliver our baby and deal with the emotions that come along with it.
On March 27th, 2020 at 12:58 am we found out we were having another baby boy to our surprise. At that time we didn’t have a name picked out, so we had to discuss a name for our second son whom God decided to take home. We decided on the name Elijah Jonathan which means God is Yahweh, God is Given. God had given us a precious gift that I got to carry for 16 weeks. It was unreal that we were experiencing a recurrent miscarriage 7 months after losing our first son Nehemiah. This loss was even harder to process than the first. Because of the Covid-19 pandemic, we knew that our friends and loved ones could not be physically by our side like the first time. I wept as Rodney held me. We knew this pain all too well and the grief work we would have to do in the coming weeks.
