The Journey Continues

It had been three months since the loss of our sweet baby boy Nehemiah David. The time of considering when we should try again had arrived. Although at times we were having these deliberations, we didn’t want to rush our healing process. We took all the time we deemed necessary to heal, grieve, and process our emotions. We prioritized being ready mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically before trying again. These factors were an obligation for us.

Being mentally ready was important to us because we wanted to ensure we would be able to connect with the baby that would be growing in my belly and be mentally present during the pregnancy process. Being also on the same page was equally as important. From time to time, we would ask each other the question, “Are you ready and how are you processing the idea of trying again?” 

Who can say that they are fully ready emotionally to try again after losing a child? Not sure if anyone can. It truly is traumatizing to lose the child that you prayed for, hoped for, and loved even before you met them. We knew that we wanted to be in a good headspace in order to proceed.

Physically, I needed to heal from giving birth and ensure that my body could withstand another pregnancy again in a short period of time. So I eased back into exercising with Rodney’s help who continued to encourage me along the journey.  

When our first son Nehemiah passed, we were certain that God was with us and we were trusting that he would be with us in the future. Spiritually, we knew we had to continue to pray and seek God’s word for encouragement. The loss of any loved one can really shake your faith. We were forced to press more into our faith and we had to trust God’s word that says, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Romans 8:28)

Moving Forward Cautiously Optimistic

So we trusted God and made the decision to start trying again in December. We had no idea how long it would take considering the fact that it took a little over a year to conceive the first time. Nevertheless, we ended up getting pregnant on the first try and of course, we were cautiously optimistic. Although losing a baby takes the innocence of pregnancy and throws it out the window, pregnancy after loss is like walking in the dark and hoping you don’t fall into a large pit. You become aware of the many complications that can now occur within your own pregnancy.

During the pregnancy, we thought seeing the first ultrasound would confirm in our hearts that everything was okay. However, we both became extremely guarded. We were guarded against attaching ourselves to this new baby that was now growing on the inside of me. Yes, we were thankful for this new blessing but had no idea the emotional and mental battles we would experience being pregnant after loss.

After experiencing a loss, you are typically considered high risk for the next pregnancy. This means more doctor’s appointments to ensure things are going smoothly. While we were happy to see the baby move, it was still unnerving knowing that the reason you had the appointments in the first place was that you lost your first child. The mental battles were real. There were many days I just wanted to see the heartbeat and see my baby move again on the ultrasound screen. I would text my girlfriends who had experienced miscarriages just to get some support so that my mind wouldn’t go down this anxious rabbit hole.

But I will never forget what occurred on March 24th, 2020. I felt very anxious that day. Over the weekend I was feeling a little anxious but on that particular day, I felt like something might have been off. I called a close friend and told her what I was experiencing. She recommended that I should be on the safe side and call my OBGYN based on my prior history. I made the dreaded call to my OBGYN hoping that all would be fine and they would confirm that I was simply psyching myself out. They recommended that I come in and get checked. Something in me knew this was not going to end well.

When they called in the ultrasound technician to do a second check, so many thoughts ran through my mind. Looking over at my husband with worry in my eyes I could see he was hopeful and believing that everything was going to be fine. After careful examination, we were told that we needed to get checked into the hospital because my cervix had opened. They wanted to see if they could do an emergency cerclage. I will never forget the despair and hopelessness that I felt at that moment not knowing what the rest of the day would look like for us.

In our next blog, we will unfold the rest of our pregnancy after loss story which resulted in our second baby boy being born too early.