Sometimes, it can be quite challenging to find the right words to say to a friend or loved one that is suffering through the tragedy of a miscarriage. But as a friend, you have to say something right? Though your heart might be in the right place and although you may mean well in your intent, certain words and phrases might do more harm than actual good. Here are 8 things one should never say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage.
- If you start off by saying the words like, “at least” or “look on the bright side” please say no more. For example:
“At least your wife is still alive.”
“Look on the bright side… you still have other living children.”
“At least you weren’t further along.”
Starting off any phrase with those words unjustly minimizes the pain that the person is going through.
- “You are young and still have time to make more babies.”
While that might be true, those words won’t take the pain away. Pondering the future of potential pregnancies will not take away the current realities of grief.
- “It wasn’t meant to be.”
These words are far from encouraging. A grieving mother or father does not want to be made to feel like the pregnancy and the child was meaningless.
- Sharing other miscarriage horror stories.
Always ask yourself before you share a story, “will they benefit from hearing this story?” or “will this story be hurtful?” The story you share with the grieving mother or father should not leave them in an even worse state. When one shares a story about their own personal tragedies or someone else’s, it should be one that has the potential of leaving the grieving mother/father feeling hopeful.
- “You’ll get over it eventually”
There is no timeline with grief. There are many that have not and may never get over the loss of their child. Many have developed ways to cope with it.
- Misplaced/untimely usage of scripture.
The Bible is filled with scriptures that provide hope, comfort, encouragement, and reminders of God’s nearness. Sharing a scripture(s) in an effort to remove or remedy the pain of grief is unproductive. God never intended for scripture to take the pain away or shorten the length of time necessary for grieving. Grieving is something that a parent has to go through all throughout the course of their lives. It might get better but there is no quick fix.
- “This is very common. (Insert statistics)”
While the stats do not lie, sharing them to a grieving parent is useless. It’s not a pleasant thought knowing that you are part of a negative statistic.
- “Did you do something you were not supposed to?”
Quite often, mothers are already plagued with guilt and self-blame. To ask that question is simply adding insult to injury. No one should have to deal with blame on top of grief.
What we’ve learned as we have observed what has helped us the most in our grief journey is this: simply being present. There is no clear cut and dried solution to grief. Though as a friend or loved one, you wish there was something you can do to take the pain of grief away. Understand that it’s just something that one has to go through. Being present and making yourself available speaks volumes more than words can convey.
