2019 and 2020 have been by far the hardest times in our lives. We never once imagined that miscarriage would be a part of our story — and who does. It is hard to imagine going through such a painful ordeal alone as so many have had to do. Without the grace of God and the love and support that we received from our dear friends and family, we are not sure how we would have been able to survive. 

In our previous post, we gave you  8 Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who’s Suffered A Miscarriage. This week we want to share ways in which our dear loved ones came alongside us on our grief journey. By reading this blog, our hope is that you may be well informed for the next opportunity that you encounter someone that has suffered pregnancy/infant loss.

Proactivity and Anticipation

Losing our boys took its toll on us in more ways than we imagined. Consequently, it became quite difficult to focus on our basic day to day needs and routines like cooking, cleaning, and even grocery shopping just to name a few. Thankfully, there were a few family and friends that anticipated our needs in a variety of ways including providing meals and grocery shopping. Our church family even scheduled a meal train for us. As a result, for about 3 months, the responsibility of having to cook was removed. How grateful we are that they selflessly and collectively carried this burden for us.

Out of the House

How easy it is to keep oneself isolate from the rest of the world. It can be quite scary leaving the house only to see reminders of your loss and triggers all around you. Since the loss, I struggled with social anxiety. Getting integrated back into the world was a little unnerving. However, getting out of the house, even just for a little while, was of great benefit. After two months of being in the house, a dear friend called and invited me (Kristina) out to lunch.

Thankfully, Rodney encouraged me to accept the invitation and I ended up having a great time. Getting out of the house allowed me to get fresh air, get my mind off of my grief for a just little while, and a chance to feel somewhat normal again.

Ask to Help

Many concerned and well-intentioned people, would say things like “I’m available if you need me” or “If there is anything I can do” or “if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to let me know.” If you’ve said any one of these things or anything similar to someone who was grieving, how many times did they actually reach out to you? 9 times out of 10, they probably didn’t. Unbeknownst to me, many in such situations tend not to take them at their word and seek their help although it was offered. In our case, we were no exception. 

What we have found to be most beneficial is when our friends and loved ones took a more present and proactive approach by coming up with ways of helping or at the very least, asking. For example: “I am currently running errands. Is there anything that can get for you while I’m out?” or “Is there anything that you need me to take care of for you?” or “when will be a good time to call you or stop by and pay you a visit?” Removing the onus from the grieving individual and making yourself present and ready to give support without being prompted goes a long way. 

Check-Ins

This can not be overstated. The tendency seems to be that after about a month, most people move on and are probably not thinking about the grieving individual not nearly as often as in the beginning. Checking in on your grieving friend or loved one as often as possible is probably one of the most important things that you can do for them even weeks and months later. We are so thankful for the check-ins; they were and continue to be a tremendous blessing to us both.

Council

When your friend or loved one is grieving, don’t be quick to give advice. The favorable thing to do is to weep and mourn with them, express your sympathy, and make yourself present and available for them. 

Don’t Overlook the Grieving Father

We learned quickly that the large majority of the attention given is usually towards the grieving mother and not the grieving father. This is unfortunate and happens far too often. The phone calls and text messages that warmed my (Kristina) heart were when others would ask the question, “How is Rodney doing?” or ask him directly. Mothers and fathers grieve differently, but they both grieve nonetheless. 

Prayer!

This is last but certainly not least! It is only through the prayers of many that we were able to live through such difficult trials. There were times when certain days and dates were fastly approaching and we knew within ourselves that it was going to be extremely difficult. However, it wasn’t as bad and we credit that to the numerous prayers that went to God on our behalf. Prayer in all circumstances will always be essential. 

There is no “one size fits all” but we hope that this blog helps you as you seek to help that grieving friend or loved one during their greatest times of need.